Recently, Phoebe and I were discussing the best out-of-context questions to ask someone to truly probe their sense of humour. We came out with quite a few, and yet there wasn’t really anyone to test them on. And then we thought – why not humour ourselves? Why not spice up our revision sessions? In fact, why not spice up everybody’s revision sessions?
So, we compiled a form to send out to the entire senior school student body (as Outlook condescendingly pointed out, that’s 709 people), containing twelve questions and requesting just one thing – to give us “the most original, funny and strange replies”.
You didn’t disappoint. Below are the (unconquered) peaks of wit, along with my occasional running commentary in italics (the font being the personification of sarcasm itself).
What is your favourite classroom and why?
- “Bio 2 or 3 – it used to have a door in mid-air to walk out of when bio finally got to you”
- “P because it’s quirky – bonus points for 2019-era P because Mr Cawsey used to use his incense in there and it was peak vibes”
- “P. I have a theory that it was devised by one of the old Heads to pick off the weak Year 7s who couldn’t find it labyrinth style” [conspiracy theory – the school secretly recorded their struggles with hidden cameras to later sell to major TV stations]
- “Anything but P”
- “L3. Rest in pieces. The endless stairs, claustrophobia and fluctuations between subzero and oven temperatures were particular highlights”
- “Room O is so wonderful; every single surface is a whiteboard for zero reason”
Which vegetable would you like to reincarnate as?
- “A runner bean, and then maybe, just maybe, I would manage to make it around the track without walking.”
- “Brussel sprout – there’s something appealing about having kids hate you” [a school’s the best place for you, then]
- “Carrot, I love snow and I’ve always wondered what things look like from a snowman’s perspective”
- “A pea… then I might have friends in the pod”
If you could have anyone’s voice in the world, who would it be?
- “Estella M’s because I’ve literally heard her hit top note in ‘Beautiful’ from Heathers (can send video if required)
- “Ms Kennedy’s. Think of the power.”
- “The Mathswatch lady’s”
- “Mr CC’s because it’s like someone permanently speaking in lowercase in the best way possible”
- “Mr Cook or Mr Deas when they shout ‘baseline’ – for the fear it instils in people”
If life gives you lemons, what do you make?
- “Orange juice and let life puzzle over how on Earth I did that”
- “I make lemonade and use it for a lemonade stand where I sell it to billionaires who exploit their workers and seek extremely overpriced lemonade, and then give the earned money to charity”
- “Micro propagated lemons” [GCSE biology, I’d recognise it anywhere]
- “A 6-foot lime statue (the lemons add a bumpy texture and fully ripened limes are actually yellow”
- “A lemon-throwing-at-teachers competition”
- “A monopoly.”
Favourite brand of water and why?
- “My tap because we’re a plastic-free school, OBVIOUSLY”
- “Sparkling because it tastes like TV static”
- “St Pellegrino. It’s great, let the bubbles attack, enjoy the anger of the water”
- “Highland Springs because the bottle is squishy” [it’s the small things in life, isn’t it]
- “I receive my hydration from melted plastic”
- “Smart Water – am still waiting for the intelligence to diffuse into my brain by osmosis through the partially permeable membrane of my brain due to the lower smart potential in me than in the bottle”
What’s the best Wi-Fi name/password you’ve encountered?
- “Obi LAN Kenobi”
- “TellMyWifiLoveHer”
- “Girls Gone Wireless”
- “die funky Zeit (the funky time)”
- “QUACK-QUACK at a hotel with ducks in a pond”
Favourite word and why?
- “Sacapuntas because it’s all I remember from Spanish” [To this day I pride myself in being able to say “help, help! There are rats in my bed!”]
- “Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia – the fear of long words”
- “Defenestration, because I like the fact that someone took the time to make a word that means ‘throwing someone out of a window’”
- “Petrichor and pluviophile”
- “Kerfuffle. The fricative alliteration speaks to me” [is this an English student I see?]
- “Discombobulate. It’s such a versatile word. You can reply “I feel discombobulated” to a “how are you?”, or you can say “help! I just discombobulated my IKEA sofa by accident”
Best creative answer to a “what you doing” text?
- “Shampooing my grass”
- “Folding the dishes”
- “Mopping the ceiling”
- “Well, I just finished walking my purple cat and I’m going to eat some blue water. After this I’ll probably fly to the vegetable market because I need a book. You?”
- “Plotting to kidnap Elon Musk and make a reality TV show with him and his family living in rural Scotland”
- “Sneaking plastic-eating microbes into the Kardashians’ estates”
- “Giving my fish a mullet”
What colour represents your mood now and why?
- “Skobeloff because the colour itself looks chill but when you look at the name, it isn’t. I, too, look chill from the outside but, really, I’m actually not.”
- “Green, although I just realised it’s jealousy’s colour so I’ll guess I’ll have to find one for myself”
- “Green: dealing with rejection (blue) but combatting it with a cycle of ‘One Kiss’ by Dua Lipa (yellow)”
- “Red – the colour of participation trophies, as in ‘I may have failed my exam but at least I tried’”
- “Sandy beige with a touch of caramel and a hint of maroon” [somehow sounds like ice cream]
- “Red because DofE clashes with Eurovision”
- “I’m colourblind”
Your favourite Shakespearean insult?
- “What, you egg? [stabs him]”
- “Stewed prune”
- “More of your conversation would infect my brain”
- “Thou crusty batch of nature”
- “Thou cream-faced loon!”
- “Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage!”
- “Away, you three-inch fool!”
- “You, minion, are too saucy”
Which side of the Senior Hall balcony do you prefer?
- “The side furthest from the Year 7 classrooms – you never know what they’re doing in there. It could be infectious.”
- “The one with the Pride presentation. The quotes inspire me to continue my quest to destroy the heterosexual agenda”
- “The side with the classrooms, because then you don’t have the geography teachers opening their door in your face as they don’t seem to know the location that they’re in despite being geography teachers”
- “The underside”
- “There’s a balcony?”
Favourite teacher handwriting?
- “Ms Flaherty – love her handwriting, it gets more slanted as she gets progressively more impressed with your essay”
- “Mr CCs – it’s just a line. I can’t read it, so I always just think the best and assume I’ve written a perfect essay”
- “Dr Neumann’s because it’s legible and yet still gives doctor handwriting vibes”
- “I know he’s from a book but Dumbledore’s 100%”
