During my numerous years at this school (14 in fact – I’m a wimby lifer), I have had the pleasure of being taught by many teachers. Spending so much of my life here, I’ve had a lot of time to think about all the subjects that I was forced to take, and I think that it is only right to give my opinions on a very important topic…. Who would win in the Hunger Games? Ok, probably not the kind of question you were expecting but I was thinking about what article I would like to write and the Hunger Games just sprang to mind.
Now, we have far too many teachers for me to go through every single one and assess their individual advantages, resourcefulness, survival skills, strategic mindsets etc. (also I have exams, homework and fun year 13 things that I should probably be getting on with) so instead I will be grouping them into departments.
So, to set the scene, imagine that the school is the arena. All those stairs, classrooms, heavy doors, and narrow corridors; that is where the games will occur. In my head, each department will start in their relative ‘area’ (essentially where their offices are) and the Cornucopia is – now I’m having to think this through – let’s say, it is in the middle of the Pit. I know this gives some departments the advantage due to their positions, but our school lacks the spherical shape that I would need for this to be feasible so let’s just pretend that it makes sense.
Introducing you to my ranking system, each department will be given a score out of 5 on the following 5 factors:
- Team coordination
- Strategic mindset
- Weapons
- Survival skills
- Special abilities
It’s time to rate the districts! I can’t tell you how excited I was when I found that, after my categorising, there were 12 teams formed from the departments.
Let’s start with District 1 – English.
Team coordination – 4/5
Strategic mindset – 1/5
Weapons – 2/5
Survival skills – 2/5
Special abilities – can analyse literally anything, weaponize metaphors, tea drinking, marking essays with phrases like ‘hmm’ or ‘??’
Admittedly, I may be harsh with the ratings on English here; however, I can’t see them forming a clear-cut plan for how to win and there would be much subjective interpretation on ‘how to approach the task’. Furthermore, books might be a great weapon in theory, but I can’t see them jeopardising the pristine condition of each book’s spine, or parting with them in any sense for that matter, for the purposes of a fight. Although, if the final battle came down to a verbal dispute (civil discourse, of course) – we have a clear winner.
District 2 – Maths
Team coordination – 5/5
Strategic mindset – 4/5
Weapons – 1/5
Survival skills – 3/5
Special abilities – logistical statistics would be overwhelming for the other districts to face, ‘there’s always a formula’, can plot graphs in their sleep, can mark tests and hand them back within 24 hours
Maths, in my opinion, would be a very strong district. They present a united front; their strategy would be so calculated – see what I did there 😉 -that no one would find a loophole, but they do have faults. I’m not sure a compass or protractor can do much damage weapons-wise and God forbid they see a graph that has been drawn by a blunt pencil. I think that might send them over the edge. However, I do truly believe that their capacity for calculating optimal survival probability would set them apart from the other districts.
District 3 – Computer Science
Team coordination – 3/5
Strategic mindset – 5/5
Weapons – 5/5
Survival skills – 2/5
Special abilities – can take down every team by hacking into the cameras, communicating in keyboard shortcuts to evade interception, technological manipulation is at their fingertips
Not, perhaps, the largest department but the intellect of this district will take them far. They would be chilling whilst collecting online data about other districts, turning the WiFi, lights, boards on and off to disorientate their opponents and concealing their location as they hide in the ever-elusive room O. They may even have some time to play Boxel Rebound or Tetris whilst they wait for the drama to unfold. Unfortunately, if it came down to a physical fight, or having to use Web Print, this district would struggle immensely.
District 4 – Modern Foreign Languages
Team coordination – 5/5
Strategic mindset – 3/5
Weapons – 1/5
Survival skills – 5/5
Special abilities – can confuse other districts by switching languages, fluent in passive aggression, savvy linguists, Schnappi the Crocodile is their mascot
In terms of teamwork and survival skills, MFL really takes the cake. Their experience of travel and living in other countries will allow them to adapt to the situation and as mentioned above, no one will understand what their strategy is without Google Translate at hand. Unfortunately, I can’t see a baguette or paella being particularly dangerous as a weapon, but I reckon they would last long in the games. Unless they started to argue about which language was the best…
District 5 – Science (Biology, Chemistry and Physics)
Team coordination – 2/5
Strategic mindset – 4/5
Weapons – 5/5
Survival skills – 3/5
Special abilities – wearing goggles for protection, lab coats contain pockets to hide weapons, immune to explosions and fire
Weapons wise, science has got it sorted out. I mean all they have to do is wield some hydrochloric acid, maggots or a Bunsen burner, and I reckon the Physics department could do some damage to the IT district with their knowledge of circuits. Furthermore, they have goggles and lab coats so no one can really cause them any harm (apart from someone drinking in the lab – God forbid). That being said, the team coordination would be absolutely shocking as no one would be able to agree on definitions or which science is more important.
District 6 – Sports Department
Team coordination – 5/5
Strategic mindset – 2/5
Weapons – 2/5
Survival skills – 1/5
Special abilities – can outrun most situations, have a loud whistle to distract others, competitive final boss, can spot a pair of life-threatening earrings from across the pitch
This district is a wild card but not underestimated. Obviously, stamina-wise they have the upper hand, and they are probably the most tight-knit department in the school so I feel that their team coordination would be superior to all others. The competitive nature of sports, pre-battle pep-talks and motivational speeches would all play to their advantage however, I think their survival skills would be lacking. I can’t see them being able to survive the conditions of the Games without their obnoxiously large trench coats.
District 7 – Humanities (Geography, History, RS)
Team coordination – 4/5
Strategic mindset – 5/5
Weapons – 2/5
Survival skills – 4/5
Special abilities – can navigate any terrain, know every strategic mistake of past battles and avoid them, can out-philosophise and startle opponents by asking confusing questions about life
Humanities are not playing around in these games. The combination of History’s extensive knowledge (the victims of A-Level Knowledge Knits would know), Geography’s mental encyclopaedia about rocks and RS’ constant question of ‘why?’ would lead to an overwhelmingly strong offence against any other districts. Also, the weight of those textbooks (I’m looking at History specifically) combined could prove lethal in battle. On the other hand, their obsession over their own subjects may lead them to underestimate the power of the other districts.
District 8 – Art, Textiles, PD, Graphics
Team coordination – 4/5
Strategic mindset – 2/5
Weapons – 5/5
Survival skills – 5/5
Special abilities – crafting traps, tools, weapons and anything else they would need to survive, oozing creative energy, can paint over their mistakes, there is never a ‘wrong answer’
That’s right, district 8 is an absolute force to be reckoned with. The ability to literally create anything out of thin air is ridiculously powerful and they have such a wide array of access to weapon-making technology that I can’t see them falling harm to any of the elements. They’ve got every base covered with being able to make clothing, tools, psychedelic art and… well stickers, I guess. The only downsides are that the doors in the STEAM tower are ridiculously heavy, I’m not sure what their strategy would entail, and there would most likely be technological sabotage from District 3.
District 9 – Classics
Team coordination – 5/5
Strategic mindset – 5/5
Weapons – 1/5
Survival skills – 3/5
Special abilities – can intimidate via the quotation of Latin, correcting people on their declensions, criticises your pronunciation of everything, crashes out if you don’t know derivatives
I know what you are thinking; this is an outrageously small district and they have no chance due to their lack of numbers. I agree that this will be a limiting factor, also considering that they don’t have any real weapons. But remember, these teachers are ridiculously intelligent with their pinpoint accurate knowledge of all thing’s mythology (and literally everything else because they read so much literature), that they are like an elevated, historical version of English. I would be wary of trying to argue with them as their vocabulary far exceeds the average human.
District 10 – Psychology, Economics, Politics
Team coordination – 4/5
Strategic mindset – 3/5
Weapons – 2/5
Survival skills – 4/5
Special abilities – can provide evaluations for literally any theory (A-Level psychologists know the struggle), debating masters, negotiation tactics and logic are through the roof
Underrated, but absolutely a dark horse – this district perfectly balances being able to talk their way out of any argument whilst also providing the most obscure but undeniable statistics so that any districts against them would instantly feel trapped. Despite their different focuses, the teachers would cooperate quickly and efficiently and set their subjects’ individual quirks aside to band together in the Games. Unfortunately, a lack of weapons and conviction (as I truly don’t think these teachers can be mean if they tried) may lead to them making mistakes of judgement and putting their trust in the wrong people.
District 11 – Music and Drama
Team coordination – 5/5
Strategic mindset – 1/5
Weapons – 5/5
Survival skills – 2/5
Special abilities – could fake their own deaths, create distracting soundtracks, numerous hiding spots in the Rutherford/music rooms, nothing is more important than showing up to rehearsal
Let’s be honest, the members of this district are masters of commitment; their complete ‘all or nothing’ mentality would get them very far. Weapons including ear-shattering vocal warm-ups, games of Zoof and emotional manipulation as well as their ability to communicate via sharp glares or confusing conducting hand-signals will be a great strength in the games. I do, however, believe that they may sell themselves short by getting too deep into the theatrics of their strategy and therefore, forget to make it fool-proof and feasible for the games.
District 12 – The HEADS
Team coordination – 5/5
Strategic mindset – 3/5
Weapons – 2/5
Survival skills – 3/5
Special abilities – can appear out of nowhere, can initiate instant panic by summoning you to a meeting, always walking fast and with determination, carrying mysterious folders
Oh yes, our outliers. Now, I know some people will assume that I will be nice to the heads and put them as our winners but no! I can admit, their ability to show up and catch you doing something precisely when you hope they won’t be there is astonishing. In addition, Maddie would serve as one of the best distraction tactics for when they try to take down the other districts. However, the loud clacking of a certain teacher’s heels would be a dead giveaway of where they were hiding and they are, in my opinion, lacking on all fronts other than teamwork. Lastly, I think the other teachers’ specialised knowledge from teaching their subjects would leave this district at a loss.
SO – WHAT ARE MY FINAL THOUGHTS?
I suppose now that I have given my honest opinions of who I think would fare better and worse I should conclude who our winner is. I’ve tried to reduce any bias, but I can’t promise that I’ve done a good job as I am writing this on 5 hours of sleep and under the stress of impending Psychology and Biology tests.
The winner of the one and only Wimby Hunger Games is…….
District 7 – Humanities
I honestly just think that they would win with the reasons stated above and they are a big team with many teachers who would be incredible assets to have. I also do think it would be quite funny to be pelted with industrial quantities of History textbooks and rocks whilst someone yells philosophical questions at you. Honourable mentions are District 8, 2, 3 and 5 whom I think would also get quite far.
Well, that concludes my article on Which Department Would Win in the Hunger Games – I hope you’ve all enjoyed!
