We have now hit a crunch point in the year, which, sadly, there is no turning back from – the point where everyone begins to gradually lose all their worldly possessions, and the desperate pleas start flooding in.
So how, you may ask – nay, beg – can I possibly make people give even a tiny shred of attention to my lost item, when my email has to compete with so many others?
Luckily, I’m here to transform those basic emails with just 5 handy tips:
- Offer an incentive. Literally the singular best thing you can do is to strategically advertise your lost item as an exciting opportunity to win some chocolate – chocolate, of course, being the shortcut to everyone’s heart. Sure, a spot of light bribery doesn’t always have to be your thing, but let’s play a quick game of ‘would you rather’: £1 in the post office, or your trackies staying lost forever (as mine very tragically did).
- Target your audience. If you have been lucky enough to study the League of Nations in History GCSE, you would also have a strong understanding of collective security. Let me explain: if I’m only 1 of 700 people asked, it’s all too easy to send the email straight to my deleted inbox, vaguely thinking I’m sure someone else will help. Target specifically your year group, where people will know you as more than just a name – time to be grateful for all those year group bonding activities 😀
- Commitment. As a WHS student I’m sure you always bring 100% to what you do, so I bet I barely need remind you to do so here; the funnier and more memorable the email – the better. Honestly, it’s the perfect opportunity to channel the drama and raw emotion of a reality TV dating show (see, there are some things we can learn from Love Island). At the very least, consider investing in some of that grammar people are always saying is important. Although it’s definitely a creative choice to have all sentences merging into an unhinged stream of thought, I would personally recommend avoiding the impression that you only spent a single minute of your life on it. But hey, that might just be me.
- Make it easy for us (I’m lazy). I need to know what you’ve lost, why I should try to find it [insert bribe/horror story about losing your entire A level coursework] and what I can do with it should I magically track it down. NB: A good port of call is to go and ask the extremely lovely Carolyn at reception, because even if someone hasn’t found your item, I promise you your day will still get better as she is literally sunshine in human form.
- Keep it concise(ish). The best emails – we like to reach for the stars – will carefully balance desperation, gratitude, and functionality, all tied up neatly in a handful of sentences. You may have to treat this email like an English assignment, but not everyone will tolerate an essay – unless, of course, you want to write a tragic soliloquy inspired by Hamlet. Then I say go for it, as it fits Tip 3.
I can appreciate all of that might sound like a lot of effort, so, luckily for you, here’s something I made earlier (feel free to adapt to your own means/adjust the levels of melodrama):
To: [my year]
Subject: FREE CHOCOLATE: Capitalise off my inherent disorganisation
Dear my favourite people ever,
Recently I have lost my entire school bag (and my dignity, hence the blatant and embarrassing appeal for help).
I last saw it in the locker room (the bag, not the dignity – I haven’t seen that in a little while) and I really, really need it back. So, I will give anyone who finds it my eternal gratitude in the form of a bar of chocolate – I can even branch out to a GALAXY if we’re feeling extra whimsical today.
If you do happen to see my bag (a pink Eastpak last seen in the locker room), please email me privately to limit the public spectacle, or hand it in to Carolyn at reception whose shoulder may still be wet from my tears.
Yours sincerely,
[insert name], your fellow extremely distressed Year ___
*Screaming, crying* – Taylor Swift
P.S. You may also choose to include a picture of your lost item – you could be like everyone else and use a grainy stock image from the internet, but bonus points if it’s a hand drawn picture.
