Yes, it’s that time of year again!! If you weren’t watching (what were you doing with your Saturday evening?), or you’ve forgotten what you saw, here is a comprehensive round-up of everything you need to know.
But first, a warning – as much as I love Eurovision, notes were taken progressively later – so my comments may get progressively less coherent. But that’s all part of the fun. Similarly, please be aware – spoilers are below. The author does not take responsibility for anyone who feels their Eurovision experience has been ruined (although if you haven’t watched it yet, are you really going to?) Consider yourself warned.
It’s always comforting to know that the world is returning to normality, clearly seen by a drastic British loss at Eurovision. What more could you want? (Also – Mel Giedroyc is iconic. Even when dressed as a milkmaid. I’m thinking that we need to campaign to get her a reality TV show of her own. Or get her into WHS for Civil Discourse. I’m not sure what we’d civilly discuss, but it would be worth it anyway.)
And now, your moment-by-moment guide to Eurovision 2023 (ignore the fact it’s a week late) ….
Austria:
- Serious flashbacks to year nine English with Edgar Allan Poe
- They got #poepoepoe trending on Twitter and that is a win.
Portugal
- red! it’s very red!
Switzerland:
- Ballad!! Lovely ballad!!
Poland:
- it’s kind of giving Spice Girls? but just not quite.
Serbia
- Erm. I’m not sure what I’m watching.
- He’s in a soap dish. He is literally lying in a soap dish (Graham Norton was not even kidding with that one).
France
- She is embodying Taylor Swift’s “bejewelled” – quite literally.
- The tower she is stood on is giving me EXTREME vertigo.
Cyprus:
- This guy is basically Australian – but Australia is a part of Europe now!! So really, he’s just over-representing.
- Apparently, you can’t break a broken heart. Yet, I’m pretty sure the entire premise of this song is that his broken heart was broken.
- The rain feels like it’s trying to be powerful, but really, it’s just reminding me that we’re in England.
Spain:
- Oooh powerful black and white opening.
- Hands. Lots of clapping hands.
- She seems to be contained in a giant metal strawberry. there’s probably symbolism somewhere here but even English A-Level isn’t helping me find it.
- Apparently, this is a tribute to Taylor Swift! I’m not entirely sure how but I appreciate the effort.
- Maybe it’s catchy in Spanish?
Sweden
- I feel like famous artists with over 50 million streams are kind of not okay.
- Her nails are very long. I really hope she doesn’t break one or that will be an expensive nail repair.
- I’m feeling a little claustrophobic just watching this.
- the wind and the fog are really making me think of Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë. Maybe I’m just a little confused at what’s going on.
Albania
- Wow. A family performing. This makes me feel like me and my family aren’t really trying when it comes to wholesome family fun (and then I remember I’m an only child and I don’t think the three of us would bring any musical talent to the screen). Really, they’re just overachievers.
- The outfits are giving Six the Musical. (If you haven’t watched it, get yourself to the theatre right now. But maybe read a history textbook too)
Italy
- I’m all for wacky Eurovision outfits, but this is just a bit too shiny for me.
- The backing dancers are basically the instruction video at AirHop (or other equivalent, I have no trampoline park affiliations) on what not to do.
- My Italian is a little rusty (non-existent), but I think he’s singing about coffee with lemon? I think?
- This man has vocal range.
Estonia
- Self-playing piano? Could the music department get one? Please Mr Ford?
- On second thoughts, is the piano because she can’t play the piano? In which case that is a wonderful example of working smarter not harder
- Maybe the piano is being played by the ghost of Edgar Allan Poe that Austria summoned!
- I applaud the trouser suit. And matching nails.
- Loving the message. There IS always time to get back on track. (Unless you’re learning to drive like I am, I’m which case I’d suggest staying on the track to avoid accidents)
- The official verdict among my friends (also amateur Eurovision reviewers) is undecided on Estonia’s entry.
Finland
- CHA CHA CHA. I’m not sure if there’s any more lyrics than that? But nevertheless 11/10 for the end of exams celebration I’m having.
- This was the upbeat bop I needed after so many ballads. however, my cat has woken up to this – I don’t think she’s impressed with the loud noises and flashing lights.
- The dancers!! Are flamingos!! Forming a human centipede!!
Czechia
- This is what me and my friends aspire to be. (WoW club anyone?)
- Loving the feminist message!! Maybe we could play this as we walk into Monday morning assemblies. Maybe Ms Kennedy could sing.
- Do you think you have to have long hair to be part of this group?
Australia
- NOT. IN. EUROPE. I repeat. NOT. IN. EUROPE
- Why are we watching a video of them bungee jumping?
- It must be expensive shipping a car all the way from down under.
- Great hair from multiple. I’d love to know what anti frizz products they all use.
- Philosophical moment – if you were losing your mind, would you know?
- Stop promising it’s all going to be alright. And that you’ll hold them till you die. Your arms will get tired.
Belgium
- Apparently, this song isn’t like other songs.
- Love, love, love the outfit. Classy cowboy.
- These backing dancers/singers are ICONIC. Someone please get them their own entry.
- Not sure what we’re celebrating but let’s celebrate anyway.
- He’s really feeling the need to make sure we know what the lyrics are by writing them on the floor. I appreciate the act of service to all of us reaching mid-Eurovision fatigue.
Armenia
- Heels!! On such a slope!! What a girl boss. Very swirly.
- 10/10 for the boots
- I feel like it’s about to become something big… it didn’t.
Moldova
- I’d love to know what this instrument is!! Can we get one for the music department?
- Eurovision is not Eurovision without some unusual instrument and I’m here for this.
- The costumes are…a look?
Ukraine
- The defending champions have done it again.
- I can’t fault this – everything about it is wonderful, especially knowing that it was inspired by the resilience of Ukrainians defending Mariupol last year.
Norway
- This should be the soundtrack to game of thrones!!
- High notes!! Very high notes!!
- Costume is sort of reminding me of Penny Mourdant at the Coronation (pictures attached for proof)
Germany
- Fun! This is fun! The burst of rock that’s needed at this point in the night.
Lithuania
- It’s good! I’m struggling to find the WOW factor though.
- She sort of reminds me of the Kate Bush ‘Running Up that Hill Era’? Or maybe I’m overtired right now.
Israel
- A bit of an optical illusion, but a good one nevertheless
- What’s this change of song part way through?? Is it just to show off that she can dance?
- Yes. It’s to show us that she can dance.
Slovenia
- The Guardian called this a ‘sub-Vamps boyband rock group,’ and I’m inclined to agree. Sorry Slovenia
Croatia
- Fuchsia lipstick!!
- This is what Eurovision is about. It’s difficult to fault. This is what I came here for.
United Kingdom
- Was leaving us until last a tactical move? This better be good.
- Some good staging!!
- It’s a nice pop song, but Eurovision is full of nice pop songs.
(Just for anyone who needs a refresher, the Eurovision winner is determined by a jury system, as well as a public vote. Juries from each country allocate points to each country, and then the public votes are added, with sogs gaining up to 12 points from a country. And new for this year, we have a “rest of the world vote”!! Slightly detracts from the whole concept of Eurovision but we press on.)
And now…for the final verdict.
And it’s all over. The UK has returned to the position at the bottom of the table, which was to be expected. All is right in the world when the UK do badly at Eurovision – last year actually really threw me.
Victorious Sweden is deserving of the win (and also deserve a prize for longest nails), although I can’t help wondering how perfectly timed it is that Sweden will host Eurovision on the 50th anniversary of ABBA…
That’s your Eurovision roundup complete!! If you haven’t yet watched it, I would highly recommend…it’s the perfect light-hearted humour that brightens up exam period!
