The leaves are changing, the nights are getting darker and there is a distinct smell of new pencils and growing stress in the air, which can mean only one thing – it is the end of summer, and a new school year has begun. Now, for those who are still getting acclimatised to the new school, or those like me, a new Year 12, who prior to this week hadn’t had an actual lesson in four months, I have compiled an easy guide to recognise the different types of students coming back after the summer break.
The Bear Grylls Survivor Student
Frequently found amongst Year 7s, a ‘Bear Grylls Survivor Students’ are easily noticeable, considering they are about half the size of the bags that they carry around with them. Equipped with not only every textbook for every subject known to mankind, from DT to Latin to Chemistry, but they also appear to have enough water to survive the apocalypse, a first aid kit to survive the dangerous school arena, snacks for a comfortable picnic, maps for complex school navigation, and, just in case the water supply does run out – a kitchen sink.
The Post-GCSE Student
A category previously alluded to, The Post-GCSE Student has had so many months of summer holiday, revision, and a dragged-out exam timetable, that I’m fairly sure we’ve forgotten to function in the everyday school community. You want us to come in every day, you say? Learning new things? And after being callously thrown into A Level standard of work on top of that, post GCSE students are found to be wandering the new Sixth Form block stunned into a drowsy haze at the idea of a fixed routine and regulated homework.
The Sixth Form Fashion Idol
A category that needs little explanation, The Sixth Form Fashion Idol rocks the new Sixth Form Café every day in a fantastically creative outfit – a Phoebe, if you will. A swan in a collection of people who look like they’ve just rolled out of bed. True Fashion Idols will keep up said impossibly high standard all year, making them distinctive from the false Idols, who give up after a week, and then proceed to wear the same pair of jeans for the next term.
The ‘Homework? What Homework?’
This category is considerably more of an auditory experience than the others. Echoing around the hallways, classrooms, and common rooms alike, a pleading cry will be heard, “There was homework?” The expression of pure dread is also notable, as they begin calculating the complex likelihood that the holiday homework will actually have to be handed in.
The Travel Woman
The Travel Woman is one of the least popular amongst those coming back from the Summer, as, at any opportunity they will take a chance to reveal the three-week long holiday extravaganza they experienced. Safaris, holidays to Dubai, and various festivals will be on the menu. Must be avoided at all costs, unless you don’t mind a minute-by-minute recap of the time they went swimming with dolphins. If the holiday in question is a festival, particularly Reading, watch out, as they will be harbouring a nasty cold.
The ‘Actually, I think the Summer Holidays were too long.’
Stationery. This involves a lot of stationery, the summer homework completely finished, not hastily completed in the common room, or during the actual lesson, and a wholly romanticized ideal of school life. This mindset will be instantly crushed by being set an essay as homework on your first day.
The Year 7
Needs no explanation. Other than directions.
In all seriousness, I hope everyone has an excellent year. Good Luck!
