Below, I have written a mostly humorous and hypothetical political manifesto that could well be used in the 2040 General Election; during which I will be hopefully launching such a manifesto as my electoral platform! I hope to count on all, and I mean all, of your votes!
Firstly, I promise to establish a nation-wide price cap on the sale of Cadbury’s Freddos, the delicious, creamy frog inspired chocolate bar
We will establish a pride cap which will be to limit the cost of each individual Freddo bar to 10p, and 10p only.
It costs manufacturers – such as Cadbury’s – 0.04p to produce 18g of chocolate, the weight of a Freddo, which is 750x less than their 30p price tag. Cadbury is yet to publish the production costs for the packing of Freddo chocolates, nor costs for labour. But based on the total manufacturing costs of other chocolates at a similar price point, I can estimate, with a suitable margin of error, that each Freddo costs no more than 5p to make. In order for Cadbury’s to make an 100% profit on the sale of a Freddo’s bar, they would need to sell each for 10p, 20p less than the national average.
Thereby, I promise to introduce a cap on the pricing of Freddo’s, at a price that is both fair to the consumers of Britain and to British-owned companies such as Cadbury’s.
Secondly, I promise to get rid of the Gruffalo ride at Chessington
In March 2017, the Gruffalo ride opened at Chessington World of Adventures to mass outrage. Why? You may ask. Such outrage is ludicrous considering the Gruffalo is a hugely popular children’s book beloved by all ages, selling over 13.5 million copies worldwide.
Well, the Gruffalo ride replaced a national treasure. The Gruffalo ride replaced ‘Bubbleworks’.
I promise, as your Prime Minister, to restore, revive, and reinstate Bubbleworks. It is greatly cherished institution and I, for one, can no longer visit Chessington without feeling a sense of crushing disappointment when I come face to face with the new Gruffalo themed façade, instead of the smell of chemicals and the face of Professor Burp.
New is not always better.
Now that we’ve delt with the fundamentals, I also promise to fix Britain’s economy and revitalise the NHS, whilst placing an emphasis on green-focused initiatives and solutions.
Firstly, I promise to end non-dominion tax status in the UK. We must close the tax loopholes that ensure overseas billionaires can exploit our system, taking money and resources out of the pockets of those who need it most, ordinary tax-paying Britons, and capitalisinglisating on it for their own gain.
I promise not to raise taxes for families on a middle and working level income. Over the past 15 years of neoliberal Conservative and Labour governments, tax increases have disproportionally hit those who have middle and lower incomes, and not the wealthy. I promise to put an end to this injustice.
I will facilitate the introduction of a 2% wealth tax on people with more than $10m (£8m) in individual assets. Multi-millionaire status is not a trait that is accessible to, nor attained by, the vast majority of Britons, and thus, I promise to prioritise the needs of the many over the needs of the few.
Governmental public investment is at an all-time low. Research has shown that governmental investments in public infrastructure and transport lead to an increase in both quality of life and social harmony and cohesion. The UK has the lowest public investment of any G7 country, and this has been the case for the last 20 years, I pledge to change this.
Figure One
After years of austerity, budget cuts, and privatisation, the NHS has become weakened by those in power.
The NHS is the backbone of our society and a source of pride for our country, it deserves more, and, frankly, it deserves better.
As a start, I propose the introduction of NHS based community screening centres. Centres created for the sole purpose of screening patients, not just for breast, cervical and bowel cancers, as is available already on the NHS, but screening available to all, for blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes, and vascular diseases. Making this screening accessible to all would increase the likelihood that these diseases can be caught earlier and faster, as such, it would lessen the financial burden on the NHS, patients would be able to choose less invasive treatments, it would decrease the number of patients who have to spend days, weeks and months recovering in hospital from surgeries and therapies, and relieve pressure on the NHS
I promise to invest money into clean energy initiatives such as wind power. As a country, we are often ridiculed for our bad weather and windy skies; isn’t it ridiculous that we haven’t yet maximized the power of wind? We have the unique ability to become a leading world power in green and sustainable energy and to be on the forefront of the green energy revolution. Furthermore, not only can we become self-sufficient for energy and power, no longer needing to rely on the Middle East and Russia for gas and fuel, we can also export energy and become suppliers instead, which has a significant economic advantage, and will help reinvigorate our stagnant economy,
The time for change is now. The future is no longer in the hands of our parents and those before us.
I promise to be the change you need and the voice you deserve.
Thank you.
