After almost 14 years of school – and existence for that matter – my mind naturally harks back to a simpler time; a time where your next biggest worry was which mould to use in the sandpit or whether you could be the last to clap in assembly.
Where’s this all coming from, then? And why now?
Well, there’s no particular occasion, but rather a cumulative feeling of homesickness for a humbler time – which I’m sure has just piled up relative to getting higher up the school, and something that many of us can relate to. However, if I had to point to a trigger, it’s probably having a Junior School complex attached to our Senior School.
When I’m storming to lunch and I look up from my trudge to a Reception class – not even during playtime but a lesson – doing colouring-in in the sunshine; or listening, huddled around a teacher, to a story book; I stop obsessively looking at my watch, I un-scrunch my forehead, I feel my clenched fists melt, and I wonder whether what I’ve got on my mind is really that grave. “Oh to play in the sandpit just one more time”, I sigh to myself – yes, coursework and deadlines hanging over my head – but I carry on with my day with a bit more awareness that there are ‘glimmers of sunshine’ (a lovely quote from Jane Eyre) everywhere you go.
Another instance could be filling up my water in the Sixth Form Café, huffing, restless, murmuring vocab to myself; until, out of the corner of my eye, I spot a sea of crossed legs and pigtails listening to an assembly. And though the height of the wave gets taller as I draw my eye over the auditorium, even still I soberly rue to my friend “They don’t know what an exam is yet”. With my water now spilling over onto the floor, I snap back into reality and scurry back to my lesson.
And, no, I’ve not been asked by anyone to ‘market’ our school in this article, nor try to ‘sell’ you any kind of feeling that would convince you to come or stay. This really is from the heart. There are things about my childhood that I really miss, and that I feel a bit startled to be reminded of during a school day – startled because of how easy I used to have it compared to now. Or so I think…
I am no doubt grateful for the rite-of-passage, coming-of-age experiences that have made me who I am today, but the swarm of nostalgic reminiscences in my mind seem to be clawing for a space to be recognised and hopefully related to.
The thing is… the more and more I ruminate on the activities that defined my childhood, and the more I lament over how attractive yet distant they are – I increasingly question whether this is the case… What’s stopping me from doing the things that used to bring me so much joy? There’s no enforcement or punishment preventing me from pulling back what I thought was some iron curtain, dissecting little year 2 me (when I joined) from myself now.
If I try to boil it down, maybe the answer is the fear of being watched doing something that’s apparently ‘inappropriate’ for my age, or something that nobody else is doing. But who says? And who are they to tell me that? I think this plays a bigger role than we like to admit in growing up – the fear of being watched and not accepted – but just writing it out or verbalising it already shatters this feeling into pieces and makes you realise how ridiculous and internal it is.
Yet, it governs our lives. But we need to realise the price. I think this quote I stumbled across sums it up perfectly: ‘Embarrassment lasts a moment. Regret lasts a lifetime.’
So, here’s my challenge to you – and to myself – this academic year: don’t let school’s pressures grind you down so much that you lose sight of who you used to be, and – here’s the important bit – still are! Exams matter, sure, but so does your sanity.
Let your resolution this academic year be to take a break from the pressure and do something you used to but have closed the door on – just for fun, no matter how small.
I’m starting by calling my free periods ‘golden time’, doing some colouring in with my form group, reading aloud, and sketching. Just like I used to. Without caring if it’s any good.
There are so many opportunities around our school that can be a gateway to reminding you of that childish fun and can help ground you to the present. Some that I’ve been involved in include helping out in Apple Pips where I have made some lovely friends over colouring in and puzzles – some of whom I now greet in the senior school corridors; playing wacky drama games with my THRIVE and SHINE buddies during Partnerships (which you’ll get to do in Year 11 & 12); and also the short but worthwhile sessions I’ve had with my Year 8 Peer Counselling group where we laugh about the trials and tribulations of school life.
Maybe you’ll find your own way to hit pause this year – to remind you that, yes, relative to the carefree thing you choose to do (whatever that may be), school is tough – but you don’t have to be so serious all the time. You need a balance of the two to juxtapose each other and remind you what it’s all for, even just for a moment.
Again, there are ‘glimmers of sunshine’ everywhere around you, you just have to be open to and embracing of them.
Have a wonderful academic year!
Your Deputy Head Girl (Community Action), Pola
