There are many famous Greek and Roman myths and stories: The Odyssey, The Iliad, all the myths involving Zeus’ infinitely creative methods of seducing beautiful young boys and girls, Apollo turning people into plants (I’m convinced Apollo single-handedly created half the flora on earth – I challenge you to find a lover who he hasn’t turned into a plant at some point).
But there are also a few less well-known stories, and understandably so. These are the “blooper” myths: the stories of people who didn’t quite manage to be a hero or just fell over at the wrong moment. So, I present to you:
The top five lamest Greek and Roman myths:
5. Sibyl of Cumae
The Sibyl was a priestess of Apollo and asked him for eternal life. Apollo consented, but being Apollo, he had to have a bit of mischief with her wish. In a classic “be careful what you wish for” trope, Apollo gave the Sibyl eternal life, but not eternal youth.
To this day the Sibyl is kept in a jar, shrivelled to the size of a tiny fly in her old age, and regretting her choices. But hey, at least she’s kept in an ampulla – a small round vase used for “sacred” purposes.
Take this as a lesson, folks: Always read the fine print!
4. Bellerophon’s death
Bellerophon, a celebrated hero of Greek mythology, died an unfortunate death falling off a horse. Throughout his life Bellerophon achieved many great feats – slaying a Chimera, fighting, more fighting, etc.
After Bellerophon tamed Pegasus, he grew cocky and decided to fly to Olympus to see the gods. Needless to say, they weren’t too impressed. Zeus sent a gadfly to sting Pegasus, Pegasus started and Bellerophon went splat.
Not a very dignified ending.
3. Remus’ death
Now, most people know Remus as Romulus’ brother. I, however, know him as the guy who died falling of a wall.
That’s right, falling off a wall. According to Livy, Remus was jumping over Romulus’ walls to tease him, and this was what killed him. A bit pathetic for the brother of the great founder of Rome.
Other stories claim that Romulus fought and killed Remus because he was jumping over Romulus’ walls and mocking them. In this case, Romulus is being a bit pathetic. This dude was the founder of the Romans and lost his temper because his brother mocked him. Not his finest moment.
Falling off a wall or slain by your brother: either way it’s a pretty sad ending.
2. Glaucus and the honey jar
One of my personal favourites. Once upon a time, Glaucus was playing with a ball or chasing a mouse and fell into a pot of honey. He died. The end.
Not quite, it gets stupider. His parents, Minos and Pasiphaë (don’t ask me how to pronounce this), when they couldn’t find their son, went to an oracle to work it out. I guess they couldn’t really be bothered to look. The oracle then gave them the following prophecy: “A marvellous creature has been born amongst you: whoever finds the true likeness for this creature will also find the child”. A very complex way to say, “your kid’s dead in a jar of honey”.
Minos then, after that very useful prophecy, sent Polyidus (the literal god of medicine) to find Glaucus.
When Polyidus finds Glaucus in the jar of honey and tells Minos, Minos basically tells him to bring back Glaucus from the dead or else. Parental devotion, I guess?
- Paris. Just Paris.
By far the most pathetic character ever mentioned in Greek and Latin mythology: I can literally list the pathetic things about him:
- He’s a complete coward – despite causing one of the biggest ancient wars, Paris somewhat tries to avoid fighting at all costs. Some hero.
- He can’t do anything without Aphrodite – not even abduct Helen the cause of the whole Trojan war. Aphrodite even has to persuade (read: threaten) Helen to have sex with him. Paris is basically just Aphrodite’s pet at this point.
- During a duel with Menelaus, he’s such a bad fighter that Menelaus literally chokes him with the strap of his helmet. Aphrodite has to intervene, break the strap of his helmet, and spirit him away to safety. This man can’t even function without divine intervention.
