Your Essential Guide to The Useless Things Your GCSE Subjects Will Teach You

Written By:Eleanor Hetherington

“But I’m sure I’ll need this someday” said no GCSE student ever.  

And so, as GCSEs are nearing their end (or so I like to think), along with the help of some of my friends, we’ve collated your Essential Guide to The Useless Things Your GCSE Subjects Will Teach You. Whether you’re yet to pick your subjects and are looking for some advice, or you’re looking for someone to commiserate with, here is your guide to all things GCSEs. 

Maths 
  • That I can only learn formulae if they come with a song (and ideally a dance) 
  • Vectors: what’s the point of knowing the magnitude of a line – it’s a line. 
Further Maths 
  • It’s maths, but for even smarter people 
  • How to fail (and get back up again, over and over…) No more needs to be said.  
English language 
  • The ability to write an article about why homework is bad for your homework, to be handed into your teacher who will proceed to set another article as more homework 
  • People wrote differently in the 19th century to the 21st – who would have guessed! 
English literature 
  • You can quite literally analyse anything if you try hard enough 
  • How to spell onomatopoeia  
  • How to write faster than the speed of light. 
Biology 
  • If you aspire in life to run a fish farm, separate your fish by breed so they don’t go Lord Of the Flies and kill each other 
  • Apparently, revision won’t seep into your brain via diffusion (trust me, I tried sleeping with my textbook under my pillow and it is yet to improve my grades). 
Chemistry 
  • Moles aren’t just cute fluffy underground animals 
  • Alkanes and alkenes are different when reacted with bromine – but I still don’t know what an alkene/alkane is and when I’m ever going to use one.
Physics 
  • Every action has its equal opposite reaction (although maybe Hamilton taught us that first…) 
Drama 
  • Who would have known that most of your drama GCSE does not, in fact, involve acting? Instead, welcome to glorified English literature. 
DT 
  • Choosing the perfect PowerPoint theme for your coursework, and that more widely fits the aesthetic of your life 
  • The weight of paper is 80g/m2 but the weight of cardboard (specifically coloured corrugated cardboard) is 260g/m2 
Art 
  • That carrying one of those giant A3 sketchbooks makes you appear a Superior Human Being (#maincharactermoment).
Music 
  • How to spell ‘rhythm’ (or equally make it to the lesson before GCSEs and still have no idea) 
  • The perils of using Sibeluis and repeatedly deleting your own coursework – some would say it’s character building, others will just cry (I leave you to guess which was me). 
PE 
  • If you think positively, you will win (although I’m not sure this mantra applies to GCSE season).
History 
  • Never invite Khrushchev to a pool party, unless you dislike his take on communism 
  • All of 20th century history appears to be wars, people thinking about starting wars, or recovering from wars. Nothing else. 
  • The history department’s motivational postcards are the best things in the world, provided you ignore the large picture of Stalin on the other side.
Geography 
  • How a V-shaped valley was formed (thousands of years ago) – when am I ever going to use this information? 
  • How to be obnoxiously knowledgeable on family walks when pointing out geographical features (unless of course your parent are also geographers, in which case it becomes a wonderful competition of who knows more about geography) 
  • How to be a walking Zambia tourist handbook (if you’re planning a trip any time soon, just ask a GCSE student). 
RS 
  • The ability to reuse the same quotes, whatever the question. Literally whatever the question.  
French 
  • That pretty much everyone you know can be defined as funny, generous, or nice, because most other adjectives are far too complicated.  
Spanish 
  • That ‘sacapuntas’ is my favourite word always and forever, even though I rarely talked about my pencil sharpener 
  • ‘Tomo las Drogas blandas’ (I haven’t actually taken Spanish since Year 9 so if someone would like to enlighten me on the meaning of this it would be much appreciated).
German 
  • The ability to sing ‘Toxic’ by Britney Spears entirely in German.  
Latin 
  • The ability to annoy your friends/family/neighbours/dog-walker/cashier/etc with random etymology they neither understand nor care about 
  • When to use whom rather than who (AKA how to be precocious) 
  • Caecilius est in Horto, and he won’t be leaving any time soon. 
Classical Greek 
  • More ability to annoy your friends/family/neighbours/dog-walker/cashier/etc with random etymology they neither understand nor care about 
  • 99+ different ‘grandma’ puns. 

In doing this, I managed to learn a couple of things. Firstly, I will not miss having to study 10 subjects. And secondly, that I am truly glad GCSEs are over.