(School) Food for Thought

When you’re younger (and I mean that in the most non-patronising way possible), the general attitude towards school lunch is not an enthusiastic one. But oh, how times have changed. I, for one, now glide through the canteen, having meticulously planned the perfect route which allows me to advance past the novices. 

Here it is: 

Step 1: Caress the queue of Year 10s and 11s because you are a sixth former. Remember – keep your head high, they only stare at you with jealousy.

If, reader, you are not a sixth former, an alternative method to this has historically been the trusty club-card. However, due to much contention, I understand that this method is no longer effective. I feel sad realising that the golden days of slipping into the canteen behind your friend who had ‘a music lesson’ are long gone. 

Step 2: Collect cutlery and a tray. Simple, but necessary.

Step 3: Approach the second counter – not the first. The first counter’s queue is much longer. Plus, the vegetarian option (for those who ACTUALLY care about the planet – no hate to you meat eaters out there), is always well stocked. Collect your main dish, and onwards you go. 

Step 4: Run – as fast as possible – towards the cake. Well, unless its bread pudding. Don’t sue – I’m just not a fan of bread pudding, sorry. 

Step 5: Swiftly turn to the salad bar. This is perhaps the trickiest part of the lunch hall to navigate. It’s often rife with teachers and small talk (in particular as the clock strikes 1). The salad bar is both the light and darkness of the canteen. But fear is not an option here – you must not leave the glorious seasonal pasta salad behind.

Step 6: Look at the fruit…Contemplate the fruit…Walk away from the fruit…

Step 7: Pay, whilst having a cheeky chat with one of the lovely dinner ladies. Sit down. Begin eating. 

Step 8: Attempt to keep up with your fast-eating friends. Realise they’re onto pudding and you haven’t even touched your extra veg. Cram everything else into your mouth, nearly choking. Pick up the last few bits of (freshly made!!!!) bread on your way out. 

Step 9: The most stressful stage of lunch – sorting out your dirty dishes. I’m sweating at the thought of it – but we push through. You walk to the bins. Masses of pupils and staff creep behind. You scrape your leftover bits into the bin – only you realise that it’s not the food bin you put your food in, it’s the cutlery basket. OMG. Whilst trying to sort out the mess you made, 100 North Face-wearing pupils turn to look at you – you’re under more pressure than an England penalty taker. Frantically running out of the canteen trying to escape eternal embarrassment, you slip and fall down the outdoor Hastings staircase. Oh well, the banana bread with toffee sauce was worth it. 

Ok, so there might be a bit of exaggeration in there, but this is my little analysis of the correct route one should take in the canteen. Ideally, do try and avoid putting rubbish in the wrong bin as well as falling down the stairs. But if you do find yourself in any compromising canteen positions – I’ve probably been there. Feel free to drop me an email sharing your canteen trauma x 

Now, some candids I managed to take whilst in the motherland.