How to be scared of death in style


So, you’re scared of dying? Which part scares you the most? Some people fear the lack of legacy they will leave behind, or rather their inflated perfectionist ego is petrified that they, destined for greatness, will only amount to a simple pile of ash and dust? Others fear the tragic loss of those around them, or perhaps the fact that they will have to leave someone else behind. Or, if you’re like me, you fear the more biological implications of death; you won’t exist, won’t feel, and worst of all, you won’t be conscious. People attempt to comfort you with the fact that you won’t know, because you’re dead, of course, but this just makes it worse. You would literally rather there be no life at all except yourself than you not existing, because the idea of not being is that terrifying to you… (It’s times like this I wish I was raised in an incredibly religious family that gave me some sort of hope for after I pull the plug). Exciting stuff, right? Well, wherever you fall, if it’s 3 am and you can’t sleep because you’re contemplating the elasticity of time and realise that your existence will be over faster than you can scream any outburst of profanity on your mind, continue reading, and channel that energy into being scared of death *in style*.

Remember, you’ve done this before

Before you go into overdrive into thinking about how you should dedicate your whole life going to astronomically overpriced courses on preparing for your unknown death, remember that you have done this before – literally. Before you were born, what do you think you were? Unless you have some sort of already established belief on what comes before human life, chances are you think, and were nothing. You’ve done this forever (for eternity)! You got this, so don’t sweat it.

Request fantastic music for your funeral

You may as well have an absolute banger to be sent off to. Look, ultimately, it’s your death, and you won’t be there to have to deal with the backlash, so you may as well have some fun, right? A personal recommendation of mine is Stayin’ Alive by the Bee Gees. Not only is this song an absolute tune, but it’ll remind your guests that they can’t get rid of you that easily, so they better make sure they don’t ruin your legacy.

Have an emo phase

Feel like nobody understands your qualms with death? Well, it’s never too late to whip out the straighteners and have some you time! Wallow in your feelings and address them head-on (#selfcare). Not only will this make the most of your days on earth by doing something time consuming, but it’ll also distract you from your impending doom.


Yeah, this one is pretty good…

Have an identity crisis

Basically point 3 but with a bit more artistic license. Buy red hair dye against all advice, shave your eyebrows off, cut yourself a convict-style fringe and look like Lord Farquaad for 6 months – whatever takes your fancy! Remember, this is your crisis, so you have complete control.

After you read this article, close it, and do something healthy.

If anything, this energy you’re dedicating to worrying about something you cannot and never will be able to control could be put to good use. Do that essay, finish that marking, learn an instrument, write an article on death to distract yourself from your all-consuming fea—Scrap that last one. Just do something productive or try something new. You can choose to live every single day identically, and in theory if you did this, you’d only live one life. Why not live one hundred, one thousand, or more?

Accept it.

You can’t control death, but don’t let death control you. It’s okay to accept the fact that we are all going to die. Actually, it’s healthy (and annoyingly relieving) to just accept it. Every dog has its day. You will have your time, and, all going well, you’ll be ready for when your time comes; you’ll be readier than you could ever imagine.

Believe me, I get it. It’s scary. But, if you put all your energy into worrying about something out of your control, imagine all the opportunities you’ll miss out on. Yes, you will die, and so will everyone around you. And that’s okay. You may think your life is inconsequential, and you’re less than a speck of dust on a football pitch, which you are. But, all of us are. That means if inconsequential is the baseline for all life, then comparatively you matter. Now close this article, go get a drink (of water), do a facemask, and live your best life.