As of the day of this article being written, it is the day of the annual netball match, pitting together the finest netball talent of Wimbledon High, with the best of the King’s rugby players. The following report is a live commentary of the game, including all of the best SLT opinions on the game.
1. VIP lanes? At a school event? The introduction of the new phone policy has had the unexpected effect of creating a payment hierarchy system. Those not terrified off by SLT members at the gate this morning had the pleasure of breezing past the chaos of the throng eager to catch a glimpse of the competitive event of the year, nabbing the best seats.
2. The event is introduced by the dazzlingly charismatic sports captain (who by the way moved heaven and earth to make this happen). Unfortunately, the acoustics in the Sports Hall remain abysmal on a good day. The added cacophony of ‘Shut up and Dance’ blaring through the loudspeaker fails to help this effect.
3. And the game gets off to a roaring start. Shockingly the first offside goes to Wimbledon, who managed to initially run rings around their rugby counterparts. Thankfully, two goals within the first five minutes remedies this mild embarrassment.
4. For those not in the know, netball is a sport riddled with complicated offside rules, leading the spectator to inevitably wonder what colour aligns with which line, who’s paying attention, and why exactly this sport is so complicated.
5. After a near attempt at the goal, the King’s team are once again stopped by yet another offside rule. Turns out bounce passing the ball across the whole court isn’t allowed… who’d have thought?
6. The Sports Captain continues to impress after taking a ball literally bouncing off the side of her head with grace. I think headers are probably best left to the football pitch… maybe a possible King’s/Wimbledon rematch in the future?
7. Unconquered Peaks editor really enjoying the opportunity to live commentate on the game… wonders if sports commentator is a potential career path?
8. Ideas of a new career path quickly dismissed after realising some semblance of technical-know-how is probably required.
9. Fashion observer and deputy head girl points out the number of mullets bouncing around the rugby team. All that hair appears to be preventing goal scoring.
10. At quarter time the team catches up with up with the Sports Captain. She mumbles something about battlefields and weapons. The competition seriously affecting eloquence there.
11. As the hall fills out, increasing jeopardy is felt in the hall and the risk of a spectator catching a stray ball rises significantly higher.
12. Goal shooter and goal attack are already being called out for being players of the game. The sports captain looks on with pride as the pair moves in perfect unison and continue to increase that expanding lead.
13. A brief rousing chorus of Sweet Caroline echoes round the commentators’ ‘booth.’ The ‘So good’ lyrics perfectly encapsulate both the skill of the Wimbledon Netball players, and the expressions of confusion on their rivals’ faces.
14. Recorded ‘impressive grunts’ from players not actually on the pitch. The physical exertion of cheering as Wimbledon scores their 26th goal is clearly getting to them.
15. Concerns voiced from collectors on the doors about the seeming inequality between teams. Might switching positions be on the cards?
16. Academic rep voices support for the King’s players, saying with a faint expression of amusement and pity that the team are “Not bad.” Year 13 Maria says less complimentarily that it is a “Complete annihilation,” resulting in an extra Centre player being put on for King’s.
17. Acoustics continue to prove difficult over here with the Commentators, but an announcement reveals that not only is an extra centre being added, but also all the four extra subs for the quarter following the current one. Clearly quantity over quality is the watchword here.
18. I’m just Ken resounds over the speakers. The King’s players seem especially on theme with their pink bibs. Somehow whilst at a sports event we are transported to the night of the Oscars. Truly a moving sentiment as we watch the two schools come together in friendly rivalry.
19. A final “Three, two, one, WIMBLEDON,” brings in the final quarter of the match. There seems to be little doubt that they are going to be taking home the final honour, but will the King’s players be able to snatch back a loss from the jaws of utter humiliation?
20. The final quarter is packed with intensity, so that the spectators can barely keep focus as the ball exchanges between teams countless times. Questionable rule-following is sustained footwork-wise but worth it as Wimbledon scores as the Final Countdown plays. Honestly any of these players should consider a secondary sport option as a high jumper.
21. And the final quarter ends with a goal from King’s, bringing the match to a close. A touching three cheers is shared between the team. A brief round-up from the Academic rep reveals that at least one player smashed their head into the wall, King’s (acclimatised to rugby, clearly) were unable to throw above hip height or backwards. Wimbledon scored 0.86 goals a minute, whilst King’s managed 0.06.
22. Congratulations to Sophie Jell as player of the match, the Sports Captain for raising over £400 for charity, and to the SLT for selling tickets. And of course, to both Wimbledon High and King’s teams for being such good sports.
