Eurovision 2022: a summary

Written By:Bianca Pacciani-Massai and Eleanor Hetherington

(Warning – contains spoilers)

We should be revising, BUT… that time of year is finally upon us.

Eurovision.

Are we qualified? Of course not. Are we giving you our unsolicited opinions like the Graham Norton knockoffs we are anyway? Absolutely. 

So here is your guide to Eurovision 2022, brought to you by a fairly non-musical Italian and a slightly more musical Brit (who studies music so really Eurovision counts as revision – right?)

To start, I was loving the guest stars moment (we see you, MIKA) and, watching with my Italian relatives, they seemed starstruck, to say the least, at seeing Laura Pausini. I, however, was mainly trying to count all her costume changes within the space of one song. Twitter tells me the exact number was somewhere between five-ten total. I love it.

Also, someone needs to bring up this year’s introductions to the countries. The drones projecting people onto buildings is, frankly, a step too far. I’m a little paranoid that next time I’m in Italy I’ll be walking past some landmark to see Sam Ryder staring down at me.

The theme is definitely something that needs to be addressed. I’m not sure anyone understood what “the Sound of Beauty” is (and I’m a music student over here), and in all honesty, I don’t think whoever came up with it understood it either…

However, in general, presenters = disappointing. I couldn’t even bring myself to laugh; that’s the depths we’ve now reached (although I feel like that’s in line with Eurovision tradition).

So, like the mini Graham Nortons we aspire to be, we’ve decided to give you a quick rundown on everything you may have missed, from songs about wolves eating your grandma to Meghan Markle. Here is Eurovision 2022: a summary.

Czech Republic:

  • Greek mythology meets dance party
  • Lights off except every light visibly known to mankind is on – I genuinely think the lights burned my retinas somewhat but hey, that’s Eurovision for you.

Romania:

  • Total House Music vibes with staged choreography; flashbacks to 2018 Meredith small ensemble 
  • Dancers are giving me more energy than the music and that’s saying something – they made this song what it is and there is no question about that.

Portugal:

  • “Harmonic introspective ballad” – far too academic a description for my burnt-out revision brain
  • Make a circle, make a circle, make it round vibes.

Finland:

  • Hairstyles? Yellow rain jackets? Frankly, it’s giving Paddington Bear
  • Feathers???
  • Finland always loves a rock and roll moment and, quite frankly, after their ‘Hard Rock Hallelujah’ of 2007 everything else is just a continuation of what Lordi started.

Switzerland (running commentary):

  • Not going to lie I’m loving this
  • Bye-bye microphone stand
  • We love to see him addressing toxic masculinity with ‘Boys Do Cry’, although the title feels like a slight rip off of The Cure’s ‘Boys Don’t Cry’
  • Also, the little broken heart projected onto the floor was adorable
  • Otherwise, kind of mediocre. There, I said it.

France:

  • Fire. Lots of fire
  • Le pyrotechnique for days 
  • Also, despite being the only song this year that kind of scared me, they deserve extra points for singing in Breton (an endangered language in France) – we love to see that cultural representation.

Norway:

  • Name of the song is elite (“Give That Wolf a Banana”)
  • This feels like ‘Gangnam Style’ meets 2022
  • When I saw those golden letters spelling out “G R A N D M A” I just knew we were in for a treat 
  • Also gives MAJOR ‘what does the fox say’ vibes, so we can only expect this to come to a Year 6 disco near you very soon
  • In case you were wondering (and you probably weren’t), you just heard ‘yum’ at least ninety times
  • But even with its chaos, a necessary evil in this song contest (flashbacks to 2007 Lasha Tumbai who, quite frankly, was the blueprint for random songs like this).

Armenia:

  • Toilet paper stockpiling much?
  • The staging is giving my bedroom mid-GCSEs, covered in post-it notes
  • She is literally wearing pyjamas for the biggest night of her life. No comment. 
  • Poor girl looked so confused by her own staging.

Italy:

  • I’m understanding none of this but loving it nonetheless
  • Feels like my two personalities confronting each other- a sombre black suit and then glitter galore. 

Spain:

  • Love, love love
  • She is the kind of person you see on a shampoo ad?
  • Bestie *snapped* with those dance moves. 

Netherlands:

  • The suit is just wrong.
  • My least fav ballad but that’s not a genuine criticism because I can’t really tell one ballad from the other at this point…

Ukraine:

  • Someone get me that hat now, please and thank you
  • The outfits are a whole new level
  • Also, especially given the current situation love the cultural representation with traditional Ukrainian music influences
  • Unironically – fantastic.

Germany:

  • Ed Sheeran vibes
  • Ooh, and then there’s rap
  • Also where is his band..?
  • SOMEONE GET THIS DRUM SET A DRUMMER IT’S TOO SAD.

Lithuania:

  • Spooky disco – but make it an empty disco
  • Great Gatsby roaring twenties meets Halloween
  • I can’t lie, I’m very confused as to how many of her there are?
  • Kind of like Marmite – I think you either loved or hated this song.

Azerbaijan:

  • Geography student over here and I literally had to check whether they are even in Europe so… you know… go me
  • His staging involved him lying down to cry in what looked like the stalls of an athletics track which really tapped into my unathletic experiences, so already twelve points from me.

Belgium:

  • Maybe I need to go to sleep but if you listen really closely, I am convinced that you can hear Justin Timberlake’s ‘Cry Me a River’? The duh duh duh bit?
  • Loving the gospel choir back-up singers though.

Greece:

  • She looks like princess Leia
  • A classic ballad and again, can’t say much more because at this point in the night it’s been mostly ballads. 

Iceland:

  • Texan cowgirls from Scandinavia. Sublime. Genuinely nothing more to say.

Moldova

  • Seriously what is this (ART)
  • This was the most upbeat song in all of thirty minutes so I was ecstatic
  • Also, can we all agree that the violinist stole the show with his solos? 

Sweden:

  • It’s okay! Maybe even quite good! Though, part of me was disappointed since we were all gaslighted by Graham into thinking ballad-y songs were over but apparently not… 
  • That said, this song was probably my favourite of the ballads! It was certainly the least forgettable of the… forgettable, but yeah – a solid ten votes from me.

Australia:

  • I’m going to pass this off as music revision meets geography revisi— oh, wait, since when was Australia in Europe?
  • But the headdress, the train, the slow walk up the steps: drama – and I’m here for it!
  • Nonetheless, they. Are. Not. In. Europe. 

United Kingdom:

  • Wow, his voice is high
  • I’m pretty sure everyone’s greatest Brexit fears were that we wouldn’t be allowed to compete anymore
  • I had low expectations, but this is pretty impressive
  • This man’s range, incredible locks and funky jumpsuit all bring the best vibes. 

Poland

  • Is this the new Netherlands?
  • For sure hates their own backup dancers…
  • …who are giving dementor vibes with their costumes, so we don’t blame him.

Serbia:

  • Late night Eurovision territory – at this point everything starts to get a little blurry and the Serbian privatization of the healthcare system begins to blend with Meghan Markle
  • Looking up the lyrics doesn’t help.

Estonia:

  • Very cute end
  • Loving the western feel (America this is not an invitation to pull an Australia and join Eurovision – we need to draw a line somewhere)
  • He was smiling so much and that alone made me happy.

(SPOILER ALERT)

(YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED)

In case you’re anything like me and the confusing nature of the scoring system plus the fact you’ve been watching for three and a half hours already equals general confusion over who won, we are pleased to report that the UK (somewhat) redeemed themselves from the trauma that was *nul points* last year, coming in second place to a very well deserving Ukraine. 

If you missed any (or all) of the evening and use the off-brand Spotify that is Apple music like me, you can find all the songs of the past week in a playlist usefully named ‘Eurovision 2022’. Or there’s YouTube. Either works.

To close, we thought we should leave you with what we call Eurovision essential viewing – namely footage of past successes.

A merry Eurovision season to one and all.