January: The No-Deal Brexit goes through, only to be immediately retracted when it’s discovered that Theresa May has changed her brand of body wash, a fatal error which could have led her to make unwise decisions.
February: A deep freeze hits and we all stockpile energy bars and water bottles to spend the month shivering inside like Victorian street urchins. Regardless, every planned school trip goes ahead, despite the terrible weather conditions.
March: Nothing happens. I mean, for crying out loud, it’s March.
April: The last animal of a species goes extinct. This is not the top story for the month, however, as it is overshadowed by a piece by the Daily Mail commenting on how Hillary Clinton has lost her ‘feminine touch’ lately.
May: J.K. Rowling releases another book under a different pseudonym this time. It’s not very good, but everyone’s too scared to say anything.
June: Michael Gove is interviewed and attests to the superiority of the new 9-1 GCSE system, whilst simultaneously disparagingly commenting that the exams have got a lot easier ‘since his day’ (the mid 1880s).
July: It is revealed that ancestryDNA has, indeed, been stealing our genetic information, and that in 10 to 15 years most of us will be called in for questioning in relation to a crime we had nothing to do with.
August: In a similarly joyous vein to last month’s top story, it all comes out (in a very messy way) that Instagram has been selling our information and more importantly our selfies to third parties, who can then pick us out of crowds using facial recognition software.
September: Record-breaking heat wave. Crops die, animals parch, people hang around in pub gardens fanning themselves and saying “Gosh, it’s hot, isn’t it?”
October: Christmas decorations emerge in department stores. Bees move to endangered species status, but once again, this is overshadowed by outrage regarding the aforementioned Christmas decorations faux-pas.
November: Dozens of women come forwards to accuse a high-powered and high-ranking politician of various acts of terrible sexual assault. The politician in question gets promoted.
December: Somebody kicks up a fuss about liberals and social justice warriors wanting Father Christmas to be a black lesbian. The same individual goes on to be outraged about an ethnically accurate portrayal of Jesus they saw somewhere.