Exam Season: that most challenging of times in any household, and heaven forfend should you have more than one child taking on that challenge at once! Understandably, many parents have asked me over the years how best to support their child as they tackle public exams, but perhaps less predictably many students have also asked me how to navigate their parents’ own anxieties and expectations as they knuckle down to some revision. It really is a two-way street, a dialogue, and unfortunately there isn’t a ‘One Size Fits All’ answer. But, for what it’s worth, these are some of the ways in which families have been successful over the years as revision rears its head.
First, remember that it really is their exams and not yours. You will inevitably be comparing their approach and experience to your own which, in all likelihood, is not only a couple of decades out of date but also shrouded either in rose-tinted idealism or regret. If you try and control the process and outcomes because of your own anxieties and experiences, rather than supporting them to do it the way they think best, not only could they resent the intrusion, but in fact you’ll also be teaching them not to trust their instincts and hindering the forging of independence – both skills which exams reward. The best way to raise a resilient, accountable young person who also happens to ace exams? Let them make and own mistakes, and practise a little bit of trial-and-error.
Second, trust the school and try to keep your role clearly demarcated. You are there to love, to feed, to keep warm, to cheerlead and to draw some boundaries around bedtimes, socialising and – occasionally – over-working. The school is there to teach and help develop study skills. Teenagers don’t say it, but they love boundaries and knowing who is playing which role in their lives.
Third, carve out ‘golden time’. This might be only once or twice a week, but it’s 1:1 time where you do something familar and comforting together, reminding them that you are there and that your relationship goes way beyond exams which – as we all know – matter less than your child will think at this point. Encourage them, too, to keep up their hobbies, get outside and exercising when they can, and to switch off by a reasonable point each night. But make 1:1 time that is not about exams. Watch a movie, go for a walk, grab a coffee – whatever it is that is low pressure and just about you and them. They need you, even if they’re not telling you that directly right now.